a definite decision not to think about that anymore and she had to stick to it.
One of those old wicker rolling chairs went by behind her and a voice with an Irish accent asked if she wanted a ride. She didn’t bother answering.
Anthony had Kimmy by the ankles and was swinging her around like she was a propeller. She screamed with glee. This would be a day she’d remember for years, especially if they bought her some saltwater taffy later. Her own father never took her out and played with her like this. Just looking at Anthony, you’d think he’d be the perfect stepfather.
Rosemary felt as though she was watching the whole scene from somewhere very far away. It was the same way she feltsometimes when she used to dance on top of bars. Like her body wasn’t really her body. It was just a thing she could rent out for other people to look at awhile.
Maybe she could do this thing she was talking about with Anthony.
Someone with a bullhorn nearby was announcing that tickets were still available for the Miss America finals at the Convention Center tonight. Miss America. They took these girls from all over the country, they made them up like dolls, and they brought them here. To hold their contest and lengthen the summer season. They brought them from Nebraska, Iowa, Wisconsin, and a million other places she’d probably never go as long as she lived. Girls who were young like she used to be. Who didn’t make all the wrong decisions. Who didn’t drop out. Who didn’t marry junkies. Who didn’t end up supporting their husbands’ habits in the backseats of Hondas. Who didn’t live in housing projects. Who didn’t have a kid to look after by themselves. They trained, they smiled, they gave speeches about how they wanted to help others less fortunate. They performed in the talent competitions, they gave interviews, and they modeled elegant evening wear. And in the end, they used their bodies to get what they wanted. That was the deal they made with themselves.
So who were they or anybody else to sit in judgment on her?
Anthony caught Kimmy in his arms and hugged her as the little waves lapped around his thin white ankles.
Rosemary came down the Boardwalk steps and walked across the beach toward them. She took off her shoes and hard cracked shells in the sand cut into the soles of her feet. Kimmy was looking over Anthony’s shoulder, waving and smiling with the gap in her teeth showing.
“Hi, Mommy!”
Maybe in the end she wouldn’t remember any of this. Maybe it was just another day of being four and seeing the boats on the water. And the other children with pails and shovels building dribble castles in the sand. And in a little while, she’d have front teeth and forget everything that happened this afternoon. Maybe by then they’d be in Seattle with the sprinklers and the wading pool in the backyard.
So what did it matter what you did at any given moment or any given hour in your life? Just as long as you got by and went on to the next thing.
Anthony turned to face Rosemary, with Kimmy still hanging over his shoulder, looking the other way.
“So what do you think?”
“I don’t know, Anthony. The whole thing gives me a very bad feeling. But if I go ahead and do it, I want half of whatever you end up making from the fight.”
It was just another deal she was making with herself. To get something, you had to give up something. The only question was, how did you live with yourself afterwards?
“Good.” Anthony smiled. “I’m glad you came to a decision right away. Life’s too short.”
“Yes, that’s true,” said Rosemary. “And I’m not too thrilled about it either.”
37
TEDDY SAT IN Dr. Josephson’s office after the exam, staring at the edge of the brown oak desk. He felt vaguely ashamed about what the doctor had done to him.
“Mr. Marino, are you a man who can handle bad news?”
“That’s my trade,” said Teddy.
“Then let me be straight with you. I did find a nodule during the examination. And I think we need to proceed with the tests to determine whether you have prostate cancer.”
The words barely registered with Teddy. They were just pebbles falling in a deep well. He stared directly at the doctor, waiting for correction or clarification.
“I see no reason to wait,” said the doctor. “So I’d like to schedule you for a PSA, an ultrasound, and—if it’s necessary—a biopsy within the next week or so.”
Teddy blinked. “What’s a PSA?”
The doctor leaned back in his leather chair and shrugged. “It’s a blood test.”
“And what about that biopsy?”
“Well, hopefully it won’t be needed. It’s just to determine whether you have a malignancy.”
Teddy stiffened, feeling the words come closer and closer to his heart. The pebbles in the well turned into huge boulders, hurtling down. “And how do you do it?”
“Do you really want to know at this stage?”
“I’m telling you, be straight with me!” Teddy demanded, anxiety finally beginning to get the better of him.
“We usually go in through the rectum with an eighteen-to twenty-four-inch needle,” the doctor said reluctantly.
Teddy’s eyes began to water and the floor began to swim under his feet. His head felt light and he started to list heavily sideways, tipping over his chair.
He hit the floor before the doctor could say he hoped surgery wouldn’t be necessary.
38
ROSEMARY CAME OUT of the bathroom wearing a black rayon teddy with nothing on the bottom.
“I’m sorry I took so long,” she said, “but I’m feeling kind of shy.”
Terrence Mulvehill was still lying on the bed waiting for her. He was a powerfully built young man, standing five foot ten, weighing 170 pounds. Muscles wrapped around his arms like steel cables and stretched across his chest like dark armor. He turned his body and casually threw back the sheet, as though he was used to having his physique studied. Thick dreadlocks fell over his eyes.
“Listen, like, I really wanna fuck you. You know?”
“I know, but I’m all nervous.”
“Can I tell you something?” he said in a high, delicate voice. “I ain’t been out in about a month. I stopped trying to fuck anybody. Now when I go out to a club I gotta have three bodyguards around me all the time to keep the women away. Because you never know when someone’s gonna like sleep with you and then say it was rape. Right? There’s a lot of bitches and hoes out there.”
“Yeah, that’s for sure.” Rosemary sat on a pink chair in the corner of the room and looked a little pale.
“Like the other night, right, I went out to this club in New York. The Palladium. Right? I’m dancing with this girl and she’s beautiful, you know. The ass was like right on time and she had the kinda titties you see in them magazines. Right? So just when I’m about to ask her to come home with me so I can make it with her, my bodyguard Amal comes up and says, ‘Yo, Terry, that’s a guy.’ I’m like, ‘Get the fuck outa here.’ And he says, ‘No, man, that’s Jack Pearson. I went to school with him at De Witt Clinton.”
“No shit,” said Rosemary.
“No shit.”
Terrence sat up and the covers fell back from his erection. “So then like I see this other girl and I look at her
